


How The Heterodyne Got His Chief Minion

by MagicalSpaceDragon



Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic)
Genre: Fairy Tale Style, Gen, Minions, in-universe media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 07:39:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19807735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalSpaceDragon/pseuds/MagicalSpaceDragon
Summary: A common Mechanicsburg story used to educate children on the virtues which distinguish an excellent minion from her peers. Though its historical accuracy is dubious, it offers an illuminating insight into the town's philosophy towards minionhood. Transcript provided courtesy of the Mechanicsburg Rogue Storytellers' Guild.





	How The Heterodyne Got His Chief Minion

Once upon a time, when Oleander Heterodyne was just a boy, no older than the oldest of you are now, he said to himself, "I am going to be a great spark one day, and just like a fine garden needs fine soil and fine water and fine sunlight, so too does a great spark need great minions. I will put all the children in Mechanicsburg to the test, and the best among them will become my chief minion!"

It wasn't long later that he announced this to the whole town, and soon enough all the children in Mechanicsburg were lined up in the square, eager to see what test their Heterodyne would give them so that they might prove their worth. The very last one in line was a girl named Delight-In-Heresy Armbruster, Delly for short, and she was the smallest and quietest of anyone there.

The children all cheered as Oleander marched out, a band of Jäegerkin following behind with their arms full of flowerpots of all shapes and sizes, except for one who was carrying a basket full of just as many different types of seeds. Delly had to jump just to see them over all the other children.

"The test is simple!" the young Master said, his voice booming and echoing in the square. "Each of you will be given a seed and a pot full of soil! In a month's time, you will bring your seed and pot back to the square, and I will judge who has grown the finest plant!"

All the children nodded and murmured in agreement to each other, as it was well known even then that Oleander Heterodyne loved growing strange and terrible plants from all over the world, and it seemed perfectly reasonable that he would want a chief minion who could grow splendid plants as well. However, unsurprised as Delly was, her heart sank.

Now, as any of you ought to know if you speak to your neighbors, or if you eavesdrop on gossip and conversations that aren't your business as all clever children should, the Armbrusters are the finest family of artillery specialists Mechanicsburg has ever had the honor of housing. Every cannon up on that wall has the Armbruster seal of approval, and they're always the first in line to test experimental guns, crossbows, death rays, trebuchets, and all the more creative variations on the theme. This was the case even back in little Delly's time, which means that she knew quite a lot about artillery, and not a single thing about plants. There was a part of her that wanted to give up right then and there, but she stood as tall as she could muster and waited her turn in line, because she had a duty to do the best she could for her Heterodyne.

When Delly finally got to the front of the line, there was only one tiny flowerpot and a single, withered little seed left. She felt her heart sink even further. It hardly seemed that she'd be able to grow anything at  _ all _ with that.

She accepted the one tiny flowerpot and the single little seed, and although she felt like running home and crying forever, she knew that her Heterodyne was counting on her. She dried her eyes and marched herself to the library and found the biggest and heaviest book on plants she could—because, you see, she figured that the best books were the ones that would make the finest ammunition in a catapult, as many children who grow up around siege machinery do. She took the book home, and sat on her bed until dinner looking through it for the type of seed hers was, so she could at least give it the right kind of water and sun that it needed.

Delly planted the seed and watered it just as often as she was supposed to, but nothing grew. She looked around her street and saw that some children had plants beginning to sprout, while others had barren pots like hers, even the hardworking ones she knew were taking care of their plants correctly. That certainly didn't seem right to Delly.

And why have different shapes and sizes of pots, anyway? That was a terrible way to get a controlled result! In fact, why were the  _ seeds _ different types of plants? She'd been reading, and different plants had different growing times, and they grew to different sizes! And why had Delly's seed been so sad and dried out? Oleander prided himself on how well he could grow plants! Why would he ever give out a seed that seemed so miserable and dead?

It seemed to Delly that there was quite a lot of mystery and poor scientific procedure afoot here. She squinted suspiciously up and down the street, then took her tiny flowerpot full of soil and the single sad seed inside. She sat down on her bed with the pot beside her, cracked open the book on plants, and began to read and didn't stop until she fell asleep the next morning.

The rest of the month passed by quickly, and at the end of it, all the children in Mechanicsburg gathered in the square just as instructed. Delly was last in line again, and she used the opportunity to size up her competition. Some proudly held pots overflowing with massive green plants, and some were holding empty, barren pots with nothing in them. There were a few pots between those two extremes, but nowhere near as many as there reasonably should have been. Delly herself was holding an empty pot, although she was not worried like most of the children with empty pots. Also unlike any of the other children, Delly had brought a backpack with her, and she wore it stoically, although it was comically large and nearly heavy enough to tip her right over.

Oleander marched out, again flanked by a band of Jägerkin, and he waved to the assembled crowd. Again his voice boomed. "Today I will inspect your pots and see what you've grown! The best among you will be appointed my chief minion! Let us begin!"

One by one, the children stepped forward, and Oleander inspected their work.

To each of the ones who proudly presented large and beautiful plants, each worthy of Castle Heterodyne's own gardens, the young Master said, "You have done exactly what was expected of you, and you will make a good minion."

To each of the ones who bravely admitted that despite trying their best, they had been unable to grow anything, the young Master said, "You have done exactly what was asked of you, and you will make a good minion."

When Delly finally stepped forward, she saw that, far from his good cheer at the beginning of the day, the young Master looked only tired and frustrated. "Let me guess," he said. "You were unable to grow anything, and now you have brought back an empty pot."

"Yes," Delly said calmly. "I'd like to give you a few pointers on how to do this experiment better next time. You see, I couldn't grow anything in the soil you gave me because it was full of salt, and I couldn't grow the seed you gave me because it had been boiled."

All of the children and a number of the Jägerkin gasped and began to eavesdrop intently. Oleander's eyebrows shot straight up. "Is  _ that—" _ he began, but Delly interrupted him sternly.

"I'm not finished!" she said, waving a finger under his nose. She had to stick her arm straight up to reach that high, but her voice was so sharp that the effect was undiminished. "I'm disappointed in your procedure! By giving all of us pots of different shapes, materials, and sizes, you gave some of us an advantage over others! A pot that's too big will give the plant root rot! A pot that's too small will make it rootbound and stunt its growth! Whether the pot is clay or stoneware alters how often you need to water! Nothing about the way you handed pots and seeds out made it look like you had matched seeds with appropriate pots, and that's no way to test someone's  _ skill, _ that's dumb  _ luck! _ In fact, I'd be willing to wager you weren't even consistent with whether these pots have holes in the bottom or not!"

Oleander was beginning to smile. "You're right, I wasn't. Some of them have holes and some don't. What do you think about the seeds?"

"I think handing out different types of seeds is even more stupid than handing out different types of pots!" She stomped her foot and prodded him in the chest. "You of all people should know that you can't just hold two plants of completely different families up and say one is better just because it grew faster! Some of those seeds were  _ perennials!" _

Oleander was grinning broadly now. "So they were. What are you going to do about it?"

_ "I," _ Delly said archly, "Have already  _ done _ something about it."

She turned around and tugged a cord on her backpack, and suddenly the top and sides of it folded away to reveal a beautiful, lively plant in a sturdy, well-sized pot. All the children and Jägerkin  _ ooh _ ed and  _ ahh _ ed obligingly.

"This is the same species of plant as the seed I was given," Delly explained. "I've kept notes on its sun exposure, its watering schedule, the acidity of the soil, and what kind of fertilizer it seems to respond to best." She produced a large, carefully-penned chart and handed it to Oleander, who began looking it over with interest. "Rather than try to grow it as big as possible, I've been focusing on making sure it's healthy enough to take samples and cuttings from, since you're a botanical specialist and I thought you might like to use it for experiments." She turned back around and curtsied politely. "Don't worry, I think you'll get much better results from the test the second time around. I can help you make sure all the variables are controlled this time, if you like."

The young Master laughed, knelt down to take her by the shoulders, and said, "Delight-In-Heresy Armbruster, you have done exactly what I  _ needed, _ and you will be a  _ great _ minion."

And with that, he stood up and announced to all of Mechanicsburg that from that day forward Delly would be his chief minion. The Doom Bell was rung in celebration, and little Delly spent all the rest of her life at her Heterodyne's side, reminding him to control his variables and taking  _ excellent _ care of the plants.

**Author's Note:**

> The concepts of 1) writing a Mechanicsburg children's story and 2) writing a version of _this particular story_ both came about thanks to the inhabitants of the Girl Genius Discord. I wrote this in two hours and edited it in less. I just really love Heterodynes and their people, okay.


End file.
